I am currently in bed, squeezed in between my two baby girls.

Got woken up at 3 in the morning of an itchy sneezy nose and haven't gone back to sleep since.

I'm a little hormonal.
I missed my girls.
So much.
I cried.

I just realized how fast time passed. My girls have grown, and I am missing their angelic baby-ness.

They're still angels.
My flowers, my happy pills.

It's upsetting that I can't bring myself to remember much of their baby moments now, especially Sofia's. Is it normal to second(and ongoing next) babies, you tell me.

I tried to recollect my memories of nursing, of  carrying, of weaning, of feeding, of singing lullabies and zikir, of potty training, of many other things, but I just couldn't grasp any if not much of it (the memories) anymore.

Sign of old age? Overloaded mind?

I'm sad.
It hurts.

I tried to be the best mom to my girls, but I know I failed most of the time. I let my emotions take control over me. I raised them as if they're independent adults when in reality they're still dependent babies to me who are clueless about most things.

They're learning, always learning. They're curious. They want attention at all times. They need love and affection.

What did I do and become in return?
A controlling mom who easily triggered negatively at almost every single thing.

Bad. Bad, bad mom.
So bad.

Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just hormonal.
Maybe I myself need attention, love and affection.
Maybe, just maybe.

I got to plant in myself that this stage, this baby-toddler stage is temporary.

They're growing up sooner than I will realize. I'm going to miss more of it if I don't start to let loose a little, appreciate and being grateful with what I have in life, my two girls.

I got to embrace the moment, stop being so negative and controlling over petty things all the time, and enjoy every moment of their childhood.

Promise I'll try.
I swear I'll be.

I miss my baby girls so much, it hurts.