Mama(n)datory

My Ramadhan was mediocre. The mood and the tensed situation I was having throughout the month got me into stressful tears a couple of times. My imbalanced hormone and rounds of almost-blackouts worsen the situation.

It's almost Syawal, 4 more days to it.

Husband gotten his new baju melayu. I forced myself to scout for the girls' baju kurung yesterday and today, but still hasn't got any that caught my interest. My baju kurung? I'm recycling last year's batik skirt with my sister's 4-5 years ago blouse. Whatever goes.

The vibe isn't there.

I am even forcing myself to commit raya in Terengganu.
I ordered only 2 types of raya cookies, and couple of instant raya food paste, just in case.
I didn't even bother about duit raya, which I normally is in charge annually.

Syawal vibe is stuck and lost somewhere.

We'll see if it changes once I get the rendang come Raya morning.

My posts are not good positive posts this of late eh. Can't help it, I need to let it out, even if it's just through silent blogging. No real human interactions, no real feedback nor support system.

What can I say.. everything is tensed now. It's being fabricated with fake smiles and conversations, with a heavy reluctant heart, in front of other people. I don't know how long this will last. I don't even know whether it'll all be patched up or will it altogether be shattered into pieces.

I tried, I did try to give in, to put aside the problems from arising and blocking the daily atmosphere but I somehow keep crumbling and loath progressing. I'd sulk, and I'd be silent.

I guess I already am broken.
Cracked every inch, and it's too hard to hold every piece together again in one place.

But I'm still trying to hold on.
Although it hurts.

I need guidance. I need support. I need love.
T_T

I've been moody.. not in the best emotional state for months now. Something's bothering me definitely, and I've and is still bottling it all up in me. It's not healthy and it's slowly messing up with my system.

My skin's breaking out again. My period is six days late and I highly hope it's not pregnancy, to be honest I really don't think it is. I've lost weight even before the start of the fasting month. I've had a couple of almost-blackouts this week.

No one noticed. Not letting anyone to notice.

I don't think I am 'that' stressed out, but I guess my body's telling me otherwise. The ongoing dramas, the constant thinking of things keeps building up since nothing is really being solved. Not even considering to try solving whatever that's creeping up in my life.

I guess I've had enough.
Kind of giving up.

I feel sooo underdemiciated.
Underappreciated.
Used, and being trashed.

There's a saying that goes "They'll only once a baby. Once they've grown up and starting to distant a little, you'll wish they'd stay a baby forever."