Mama(n)datory

Disclaimer :  This could be a sensitive issue to some. So move along now if you think you'd throw me shits for this general opinion of mine. I don't need more negativity in my life.

A friend recently asked me,

What made you wear your scarf? Were there times whenever you feel like taking it off? Was there like a force or some sort, because most of our friends who's gotten married wears it soon after.

I said what I had to say. I did what I had to do. Too sensitive of an issue to really talk about it on this platform. Some people will agree, and some will not and those would give me a backlash from sides, back and front thus I'd rather not say it here.

Simply put in general, it is a phase. A phase when you're trying to impress your Creator as well as your spouse. Even if one decided to take it back off, it is just another phase. Another phase of faith and istiqamah.

Whatever the decision one chose, respect it. There are ways to advice. Not through force, and not through negative remarks definitely. Don't, i repeat, do not play God.

My posts are not good positive posts this of late eh. Can't help it, I need to let it out, even if it's just through silent blogging. No real human interactions, no real feedback nor support system.

What can I say.. everything is tensed now. It's being fabricated with fake smiles and conversations, with a heavy reluctant heart, in front of other people. I don't know how long this will last. I don't even know whether it'll all be patched up or will it altogether be shattered into pieces.

I tried, I did try to give in, to put aside the problems from arising and blocking the daily atmosphere but I somehow keep crumbling and loath progressing. I'd sulk, and I'd be silent.

I guess I already am broken.
Cracked every inch, and it's too hard to hold every piece together again in one place.

But I'm still trying to hold on.
Although it hurts.

I need guidance. I need support. I need love.
T_T

I've been moody.. not in the best emotional state for months now. Something's bothering me definitely, and I've and is still bottling it all up in me. It's not healthy and it's slowly messing up with my system.

My skin's breaking out again. My period is six days late and I highly hope it's not pregnancy, to be honest I really don't think it is. I've lost weight even before the start of the fasting month. I've had a couple of almost-blackouts this week.

No one noticed. Not letting anyone to notice.

I don't think I am 'that' stressed out, but I guess my body's telling me otherwise. The ongoing dramas, the constant thinking of things keeps building up since nothing is really being solved. Not even considering to try solving whatever that's creeping up in my life.

I guess I've had enough.
Kind of giving up.

I feel sooo underdemiciated.
Underappreciated.
Used, and being trashed.

After my previous post, I was approached differently by some. I was asked indirectly if I was doing ok, if everything good back at home, if I need any help..

I don't know if it was just me sensing the warm care, or if someone had been following my blog silently hence the unexpected treatment.

I appreciate the gesture.

I am fine.

Just the occasional overthinking of stuff, insecure about life and everything. You'll know something's bothering me when you see me snapping at every petty things, or just minding my own business without even the slightest attention - ignoring whatever that comes my way. I'll be exhausted and spending my day sleeping too, just to shut everything out of my mind - but that rarely helps, so I'll still be groggy and moody when I wake up.

I can't help it, I've been this way for as long as I could remember.

It's best to not talk, to not ask any questions. Just show that you care, and love, from afar. That'll do.
A care package comes best, I guess.

I've never really gotten any though.

I've always have this anxiety, this unwanted feeling in my heart that makes me go "the f is wrong with me?", "I screwed up, I screwed up big", "what if.., what if..", "I'm fine, I'm going to be fine, it's all in my head"...

I just finished watching the movie Tully - about a mother's daily struggle juggling everything, experiencing depression and anxiety that noone, not even her husband noticed and cared about.

It happens a lot. I kind of feel the same way some times, but thankfully I am still able to control and find my sanity.

No joke, we're always exhausted. We just need a partner who fully understands, gives full support, and loving attention and care.

We, women, have feelings. Yes, we are emotional.

We are fragile but yet we are strong!

So I stumbled upon this write-up on Facebook and I just feel the need to post it up here. Credits to whoever wrote this piece, thank you.

STRONG
When they see you as a strong woman, they think that you do not need anything or anyone, you can bear everything and will overcome whatever happens. That you do not mind being listened to, cared for or pampered.

When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their crosses. They talk to you and they think you do not need to be heard.

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or falling, if she has anxiety or fear. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the fog or a rock in the middle of the sea.

The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she becomes weak. If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical.

When the strong woman disappears a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual.

But the strength that is needed every day, to be that kind of woman, does not matter to anyone.

Honor, recognize, respect and thank the strong women in your life, because they also need to be restrained, loved and feel that they can rest.