Mama(n)datory

I've been moody.. not in the best emotional state for months now. Something's bothering me definitely, and I've and is still bottling it all up in me. It's not healthy and it's slowly messing up with my system.

My skin's breaking out again. My period is six days late and I highly hope it's not pregnancy, to be honest I really don't think it is. I've lost weight even before the start of the fasting month. I've had a couple of almost-blackouts this week.

No one noticed. Not letting anyone to notice.

I don't think I am 'that' stressed out, but I guess my body's telling me otherwise. The ongoing dramas, the constant thinking of things keeps building up since nothing is really being solved. Not even considering to try solving whatever that's creeping up in my life.

I guess I've had enough.
Kind of giving up.

I feel sooo underdemiciated.
Underappreciated.
Used, and being trashed.

There's a saying that goes "They'll only once a baby. Once they've grown up and starting to distant a little, you'll wish they'd stay a baby forever."

I've been meaning to post about this, as it has been saved in my draft for quite sometime now.

See, I was diagnosed with a gestational diabetic (GDM) during my second full-term pregnancy, with Sofia. Didn't had any issue carrying my firstborn, Mayesa though.

I didn't really eat much during both pregnancies, just the occasional ice cream and cake treats. Carrying Sofia, I gulped more carton drinks and 3in1 drinks.

The evil 3in1 drinks.

The doctor told me that was the culprit to my GDM and weight gain.

I immediately steered off it throughout the remaining months up til delivery and boy was I thankful that that's just that. There and then. No continuation of diabetic in my system.

Right now, I'm leaning there again. I think I am.

I feel fat. I am getting thickkk. I feel heavy. I get sleepy easily.

Too much sugar in my system.

I've been regularly drinking my 3in1 coffee, 1 to 2 cups, almost everyday.

I need to cut it off.
Pronto, before I get sick.

Here's to a new aim - to cut off sugar, at least from drinks and desserts, if not completely.

And here's to restart my yoga journey - I'm so stiff and weak allover it's killing me just thinking how to start stretching and bending and planking and balancing...

Urghh.

After my previous post, I was approached differently by some. I was asked indirectly if I was doing ok, if everything good back at home, if I need any help..

I don't know if it was just me sensing the warm care, or if someone had been following my blog silently hence the unexpected treatment.

I appreciate the gesture.

I am fine.

Just the occasional overthinking of stuff, insecure about life and everything. You'll know something's bothering me when you see me snapping at every petty things, or just minding my own business without even the slightest attention - ignoring whatever that comes my way. I'll be exhausted and spending my day sleeping too, just to shut everything out of my mind - but that rarely helps, so I'll still be groggy and moody when I wake up.

I can't help it, I've been this way for as long as I could remember.

It's best to not talk, to not ask any questions. Just show that you care, and love, from afar. That'll do.
A care package comes best, I guess.

I've never really gotten any though.

I've always have this anxiety, this unwanted feeling in my heart that makes me go "the f is wrong with me?", "I screwed up, I screwed up big", "what if.., what if..", "I'm fine, I'm going to be fine, it's all in my head"...