Mama(n)datory

There are some (people and times) who wouldn't be in agreement with you, with your choice (actions or words). They'd go against you no matter how you wish to stand on your own ground, they will always want to win the battle. Macam kacau sangat hidup diorang ni dengan your existence.

Kids been pestering us to bring them to another snow play. Not that we've been to any (real snow), only to the one in Genting Highland last year.

I am not one who can brave the cold, unlike my husband and my eldest daughter. My skin would turn dry and itchy, I'd shiver to the bones, my nose would turn red and sensitive that I'd sneeze continuosly soonafter.

No snow mountain trips for me heh? Selamat duit suami tak payah bawa winter holiday.

After much daily persuasion from the kids, we finally brought them yesterday to Snowalk in i-City Shah Alam.


We figured in this rainy season, we'd be nuts to drive up to Genting Highland with the slippery roads and all. Snowalk is just 10 minutes away from home, so yeah ok kids, lets go.

Consider this as a guilt treat before mama and papa leaves both of you in the care of your grandparents and aunty/uncles this month-end for our honeymoon. Hehe.

Called them before going and was informed that they're partially closed for upgrading renovation. Kids didn't mind and still eager to go as there still are slides, sleigh, and snow.

Fine.

Being precautious me, I made a stop over at Mr. DIY and bought winter gloves for each, as well as snowcaps for the girls. Lucky that we bought those, as Snowalk i-City only provided us with winter boots and jackets.

They do rent out gloves (if I saw it correctly, I'm not sure) if you don't have any. We came prepared. This mama always does.


The price we paid to enter Snowalk was RM25 per adult and RM20 per child, which we thought was fine considering that it is for unlimited re-entry as long as you are still in the complex; compared to the one in Genting Highland where you are only given about half an hour I think to explore and experience (and it is just a measly one room and a slide, it was so bleghhh for us). It'd be way worth it once the renovation is done, with way more snow and kids play.

Definitely a re-visit for my girls once it re-opens.

So the girls gotten their snow play.

2 more weeks to our (guilt-free leaving the kids behind) honeymoon!

I just finished watching the movie Tully - about a mother's daily struggle juggling everything, experiencing depression and anxiety that noone, not even her husband noticed and cared about.

It happens a lot. I kind of feel the same way some times, but thankfully I am still able to control and find my sanity.

No joke, we're always exhausted. We just need a partner who fully understands, gives full support, and loving attention and care.

We, women, have feelings. Yes, we are emotional.

We are fragile but yet we are strong!

So I stumbled upon this write-up on Facebook and I just feel the need to post it up here. Credits to whoever wrote this piece, thank you.

STRONG
When they see you as a strong woman, they think that you do not need anything or anyone, you can bear everything and will overcome whatever happens. That you do not mind being listened to, cared for or pampered.

When they see you as a strong woman, they just look for you to help them carry their crosses. They talk to you and they think you do not need to be heard.

A strong woman is not asked if she is tired, suffering or falling, if she has anxiety or fear. The important thing is that she is always there: a lighthouse in the fog or a rock in the middle of the sea.

The strong woman is not forgiven anything. If she loses control, she becomes weak. If she loses her temper, she becomes hysterical.

When the strong woman disappears a minute, it is immediately noticeable, but when she is there, her presence is usual.

But the strength that is needed every day, to be that kind of woman, does not matter to anyone.

Honor, recognize, respect and thank the strong women in your life, because they also need to be restrained, loved and feel that they can rest.

I know I just made a post about my daughters' opposite personalities.

Today, it's of Sofia. One tough little lady, this Sofia. (Did we chose a wrong name for her, what does the name Sofia represents again?)

She picked up fights with her sister quite a number of times this couple of weeks. It's like she hold grudges towards her big sister. She snaps stuff away from her sister, she hits and made her sister cry, she shouts at and quarrels with her sister almost every other day.

I don't want to start listing how she behaves towards me, and her papa. Grrrrr. I boiled up almost every single day, I kid you not.

I find it rather difficult to advice and to talk things with her - it's either she ignores whatever I say or she'd throw her tantrum - she always, always stubbornly gets it her way.

Maybe it's a norm for a secondborn, maybe she's just seeking everyone's attention. Hmmn..I wonder.


She's always in control.

I'm known with a low level of patience and because of that(her behavior), I tend to easily get triggered. Menguji kesabaran betul. I've unintentionally raised my voice and even punished her at times.

I didn't mean to, but I just got to.
I don't know how else to handle and tackle her attention.

Slow talks? Didn't and will never work on her. Hati kering, this little girl.

She's only turning three this year-end. Maybe this is what they call as the 'terrible-two' phase?

Gosh, I feel bad.

I always regret the scolding and punishment. She's still a baby to me, who definitely doesn't need all of that. I know the scolding will just leave her with scars, and could even lead her to behave in such ways (could be worse) later in life.

Ya Allah, minta simpang jauh dari dia berperangai tak elok.

I'm always the bad guy, never her, never her big sister. At the end of the day, I'd be the one crying, upset over how bad I reacted towards my daughter(s).

I've done too much scolding I didn't intend to. I've stressed and tire myself out on most days. I feel more guilty each day, after each voice raised at them.

I just hope and I always pray she'd soften her heart at least a little as days go by, and to have more tolerance.

I keep on stressing that I care and I love both of my baby girls no matter how tough, or how rough, the challenges are. Amanah Allah dah beri, inshaAllah nak jaga, nak didik, nak sayang, nak tatang hingga ke akhir hayat.

So who says it's easy raising a child(s)?

My two girls have totally different personalities and behavior.

Kinda like Mary-Kate and Ashley in New York Minute. Opposites, but still bff sisterhood.

Our family doctor thinks Mayesa has a minor athmatic symptoms. In her record, she has examined and prescribed medications for it, already thrice.

This is the fourth.

I'm not surprised.

My mom has athma. My little brother, too, the worse.
I even 'had' minor athma back then.

If I'm not mistaken, two of my baby nephews have them too.

For weeks now, Mayesa has been coughing almost every night and in the early hours probably due to the chilly hours. She's mostly fine during daylight.

No fever.
Just mucousy cough when it gets chilly.

Current weather and temperature is making it worse too. Musim hujan, musim tengkujuh, musim bah.

I hope she gets well soon.
InshaaAllah I pray it won't prolong into a severe athmatic condition, it'll just heal soon and be gone forever just like mine did.

Mayesa's gotten her ear pierced months ago. Sofia was supposed to get hers done too but she chickened out when it was her turn.

I paid for both.

I still have the supposed earrings and the receipt for Sofia to get hers done whenever she's ready. Now, I don't feel like getting her ears pierced at all.

Why?

Mayesa's caught a little infection. It was fine at first though. She started to bleed a little whenever she switches to a new pair of (cheap) earrings (been only 4 switches) as weeks go by but I dismissed it as just minor irritation since she said nothing.

Not today though.

I had the urge to take off her earrings, just to do some cleaning and found that her left ear piercing bleeds a little again but this time with pus!

Her right's is fine.

I cleaned it up and dab some ointment to help it heal. So she's off earrings at the moment.

I guess she inherits my allergies towards certain jewellery materials too. I'm fine with the expensive ones like gold, silver, platinum, titanium, but never with the cheaper metals, acrylics nor the plated ones. I'll get rashes , irritations and all.

I rarely even wear a watch, my wrist will get those tiny itchy red bumps after awhile.

So that means I got to get her a proper jewellery once she gets better. Ka..ching! Kachinggggg!

I doubt Sofia is off of the allergy so I decided that she won't be getting her ears pierced anytime soon. Paid amount, burnt.

Sorry babygirl, lets just wait til you're 18. Haha!

I am currently in bed, squeezed in between my two baby girls.

Got woken up at 3 in the morning of an itchy sneezy nose and haven't gone back to sleep since.

I'm a little hormonal.
I missed my girls.
So much.
I cried.

I just realized how fast time passed. My girls have grown, and I am missing their angelic baby-ness.

They're still angels.
My flowers, my happy pills.

It's upsetting that I can't bring myself to remember much of their baby moments now, especially Sofia's. Is it normal to second(and ongoing next) babies, you tell me.

I tried to recollect my memories of nursing, of  carrying, of weaning, of feeding, of singing lullabies and zikir, of potty training, of many other things, but I just couldn't grasp any if not much of it (the memories) anymore.

Sign of old age? Overloaded mind?

I'm sad.
It hurts.

I tried to be the best mom to my girls, but I know I failed most of the time. I let my emotions take control over me. I raised them as if they're independent adults when in reality they're still dependent babies to me who are clueless about most things.

They're learning, always learning. They're curious. They want attention at all times. They need love and affection.

What did I do and become in return?
A controlling mom who easily triggered negatively at almost every single thing.

Bad. Bad, bad mom.
So bad.

Maybe I'm just tired.
Maybe I'm just hormonal.
Maybe I myself need attention, love and affection.
Maybe, just maybe.

I got to plant in myself that this stage, this baby-toddler stage is temporary.

They're growing up sooner than I will realize. I'm going to miss more of it if I don't start to let loose a little, appreciate and being grateful with what I have in life, my two girls.

I got to embrace the moment, stop being so negative and controlling over petty things all the time, and enjoy every moment of their childhood.

Promise I'll try.
I swear I'll be.

I miss my baby girls so much, it hurts.

I don't know about you but I've been getting my kids to do (their) chores whenever possible. Simple chores such as wiping the dining table, tidying the bed and organizing toys and books.

I see no wrong training them at a young age. It boosts their responsibility and understanding in cleanliness and hygiene.

Keep your expectation low. They'll get better in time.

I don't consider myself an ocd freak, but I do get easily pissed when I see unwashed dishes in the kitchen sink, empty drink boxes in the hall, scattered throw pillows on the floor, bread or biscuit crumbs all over the room, scattered toys especially the small ones like legos and shopkins..you know, those petty little stuff. Which mom wouldn't?

My girls understood me well. They want to avoid me being a monster mama, they willingly on their own will pick up and clear those bits and pieces now without having to be told.

They're now used to keep their toys after they are done playing, wipe off spilled drinks using the kitchen cloth, help me collect hanging laundry, organized the shoes neatly in a row, throw pillows back on the sofa after tv session..I've raised them good.

Of course it's not always butterflies and rainbow. There are days when they don't even care to lift a finger. That's when they have to face a monster mama for the day.

I don't blame them, I can't. Even I have my lazy days where I don't even bother to do a single chore. I'll just push and pile everything to one side, waiting for my mood to come back.

Tonight, I brought out the old Playdoh set for the girls to play. Once they're done playing, Mayesa came to ask "mama, can I clean up and keep the playdoh now? I don't want to play anymore."

I don't even have to ask. ;) Such a good girl, such good girls. Love lah.